The intimate dance of communication

© 2018 Marjorie Schuman, Ph.D.

Conversation is an essential element in the dance of human existence. In fact, since we do spend a large part of our lives talking to people, bringing attention to what takes place during communication is an important source of information about ourselves. Mindfulness of conversation falls under the heading of relational mindfulness. It helps open the senses, heart, and mind to receive the present moment more fully.

In the framework of Buddhist meditation practice, mindfulness of conversation begins with the embodied experience of speaking and listening. But there are many other layers of the experience of conversation that reflect what is happening in the “relational moment.” Some of the layers have to do more with what is being conveyed – communication – and others with the how – the connection between us in the conversational interaction. The following elements invite our attention:

• Awareness of sensory experiences of speaking and listening (including tone of voice and body language).
• Awareness of felt sense of speaking with the other.
• Awareness of qualities of relational connection, including presence, intimacy, boundaries, and the back-and-forth flow of communication.
• Awareness of the meaning(s) of what has been shared.
• Awareness of what is spoken: Is it true? Is it beneficial? Is it timely? (The Buddhist teachings on wise speech).
• Awareness of self-in-relation.

As this brief survey makes clear, mindfulness of conversation extends beyond denuded “present moments” of mindful awareness. The experience of conversation provides a window into the relational moment, a stage for observing the theatre of the mind. We can investigate what we enact with others (and what they enact with us); we can inquire about the psychological sources of those relational patterns. We can observe the narratives we use to frame that experience. In all of these ways, we can gain understanding of our relational dynamics: our interpersonal reactions and their emotional roots.

Our minds are organized in and for relationship. The dynamics of self + other are the very stuff our minds are made of. My book, Inquiring Deeply, presents the basic underpinnings of relational dynamics in great detail and provides a framework for understanding how relationship is held in mind.

There are many opportunities for relational mindfulness and relational inquiry in observing conversation as it unfolds. In aggregate, I call this domain of inquiry self-in-relation. In the discussion that follows, I will unpack some of these and show how mindfulness of conversation can deepen our experience of being with others. This awareness of the dance between self and other has the potential to transform communication. In the conversational mirror of the other, there can be a freedom to think new thoughts and to see ourselves in new ways.

For the purpose of exploration, it’s helpful to consider mindfulness of conversation under four subheadings: the mind of listening, speaking from the heart, the relational moment, and the transformative potential of communication.

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The Mind of Listening

Mindfulness of conversation begins with the simple intention to be present in the moment. In and of itself, listening is a receptive process which requires no particular effort beyond paying attention. It is an orientation more than something which we do: the intention to be receptive, attentive, and available. That said, as every meditator knows, the process of attention is quite variable from moment to moment. The mind can be quite steady and absorbed as it listens, but it is not invariably so.

Engaging in conversation can itself be a dynamic and fully engaged mindfulness practice. Just as we can explore the internal world of the body and thoughts in sitting practice, we can explore the external world of language, vocalized words and gestures. Our focus may shift from speaker to listener and back again in varying patterns of
attention and inattention.

There are many objects for the listening mind to pay attention to. In conversation, meaning is the overarching frame, but within that frame there are many levels and possibilities. Externally, we can listen to the words used, to the melodies and rhythms of speech, to tone of voice and to body language; internally, we can also attend to our own body and mind – our thoughts, feelings, and reactions, and our experience of inner speech. And behind every other object in the field of listening, we can also attend to the background field of silence.

The quality of awareness of the listening mind is the key to how we listen to (and participate in) conversation. It can be useful to note shifts between listenin­g to and listening for. For example, we can listen to what is being said and we can listen for what is not being said. We can listen to the listening of the other. And we can register the entire field of reactivity in our own minds as we process the meanings of what is being spoken.

Adding texture and complexity to the simple act of listening, conversation includes the experience of connection, discussed below under the heading of The Relational Moment. Among many possibilities, we can inquire into what we want to hear and expect to hear; what we are afraid to hear (and why). This involves awareness of the interpersonal assumptions, interpretations, and projections we may be superimposing on what we are hearing.

The Heart of Speaking

Speaking is not just what we say; it is the music as well as the words of conversation. The Buddha considered wise speech so essential to dharma practice that he framed it as one of the essential steps on the eight-fold noble path. Among the precepts of wise speech, Buddhism teaches the importance of speaking only what is true, right, and beneficial. It also counsels restraint in telling lies; in idle small talk, frivolous words or gossip; and, most important, words spoken in anger or with the intention to wound or cause harm.

Contrary to the adage about sticks and stones, hurtful words can never be taken back and must not be taken lightly. As the poet Maya Angelou expressed it, people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel. For this reason, the practice of wise speech necessitates that we habitually reflect on what we say before, during, and after speaking.

Intention and motivation are the crux of wise speech, and can be cultivated by self-inquiry about the purpose behind what we are about to say and about the result we are hoping to produce. As was said in regard to the complexity of the listening mind, so too the experience of speaking: What do we want to say? And what are we afraid to say? The heart of speaking is mindful attention to what wants or needs to be spoken, and why.

Observation about the conversations that take place all around us in daily life (including our own) suggests that the majority of talk is chatter, empty of any real meaning, and/or entangled with motivations that don’t pass the Buddhist test of “wholesome.” We tell stories about others who aren’t present; we aggrandize ourselves; we complain or engage in negative commentary. Such communication is mindless.

Embodied awareness makes an important contribution to our ability to engage in authentic, mindful conversation. Our energy and body state before speaking provides useful cues, alerting us, for example, to the fact that we have some unconscious charge on what have just heard and/or are about say. Moreover, if we practice pausing for a moment of self-reflection before we speak, we have a higher likelihood of getting in touch with what we most want and need to say. Wise speech is more likely to arise when we are calm and centered prior to speaking.

Bringing conscious intention to communication is a key element in learning how to be-with others. First, we need to bring attention to whether we are Present and whether we are communicating in an authentic way. Second, we need to examine what gets in the way of our willingness or ability to communicate our experience. Some of the common impediments to authenticity have to do with how we feel about the person we’re talking to. Some have to do with emotional and psychological tendencies that are built into personality and character. Shame and social anxiety are two of the most prevalent ones.

The Relational Moment

The “relational moment” can be defined as the felt sense of being-with a particular someone on a particular occasion. The ability to be-with is an inborn mammalian capacity for relational connection. (Every pet owner can attest to this). There is a layer of nonverbal relational knowing which exists prior to and underneath our higher mental capacities. It is this innate capacity that allows us to know what is happening when we walk into a room and get the vibe of the situation.

Regardless of what is being said aloud in a particular conversation, we likely have a felt sense of each other and some idea of where the other is coming from. Of course, not every experience of being-with is mindfully known; we may feel many things, including our connection with others, implicitly – i.e., without conscious awareness. The conscious experience of being-with is a capacity which is enhanced by mindful attention.

A special set of relational moments or “moments of meeting” are those in which there is a profound sense of mutual connection. Such moments of meeting occur in conversation when something is said and received in such a way that the speaker feels deeply seen, felt, accepted, and understood. The prototype of this experience is the moment that occurs immediately after birth, when a new baby looks into the eyes of a mother who is looking back. Such moments of mutual deep contact are what the philosopher Martin Buber understood to be the essential meeting of “I-and-Thou.”

Moments of meeting vary in level of depth. The shared relational and mindful moment feels replete with Presence. Along with the felt sense of connection or intimacy – being-with – there is a deep sense of being oneself. Connection may be so profound that the boundary between self and other momentarily disappears. Wisdom arises in such moments as the compassionate and intuitive knowing of the other’s experience, and sometimes as the experience of a heart-to-heart connection between us.

On the other hand, of course, we don’t feel engaged or connected in every moment of interaction. People often feel separate and disconnected, sometimes painfully so. There is great value in being mindful of this dimension of relationality as well. In general terms, exploring the experience of connection can be a very generative area of self-inquiry (as well as therapeutic inquiry). What are our personal obstacles to being vulnerable and to expressing ourselves authentically?

With mindful attention, we readily notice that the experience of connection – like all experiences – is impermanent; in a constant state of flux. We can observe how attention shifts between self and other; we can track experiences of connection and disconnection as well as the rhythm and flow of exchange.

The dance of conversation has a complex choreography. In addition to speaking and listening, we can observe processes of leading, following, and taking turns. There is a fluctuating focus between receiving the other and awareness of self, and a panoramic landscape of associations in the subjective world that can be explored.

Mindfulness of conversation allows us an up-close and personal experience of basic psychological phenomena and relationship patterns enacted in real time. While a nuanced discussion of basic areas of inquiry goes beyond the scope of the present discussion, suffice it to say that conversation affords us the opportunity to discover a great deal about ourselves. We can observe basic aspects of who we take ourselves to be and how we show up in the relational world. We can examine who we like or don’t like and why; what makes us comfortable or uncomfortable relationally; what we are seeking and what we are avoiding. And investigating our reactivity and defensiveness can provide valuable opportunities to soften into greater intimacy with both self and other.

Bottom line, relational angst is basic in human life and we can observe the basic aspects of our sensitivity and reactivity in conversation. How we relate to others – to what others say and do (or what they don’t say or do) – dominates much of our experience. If we drop down into this reactivity, what we find there is always the same: in simple terms, not having what we want from others and/or not wanting what we do have. This is an example of the Buddhist concept of “dukkha” – the primary unsatisfactoriness that permeates our experience as human beings. We can observe relational dukkha in conversation as grasping, clinging, or aversion in reaction to what is said. Sometimes, the emotional response is such that we dissociate from the moment and get lost in inner space.

Interpersonal suffering is held in place by layers of psychological meaning. Because feeling painfully separate is frequently at the core of psychological wounds, having a clear understanding of relational issues is at the heart of Buddhist-informed psychotherapy.

The Transformative Potential of Communication

Mindfulness of our interactions with others has the potential to transform both participants, especially so because our experience of speaking and listening reflects the underlying stories we tell ourselves about self and other (consciously or unconsciously).

A brief illustrative example: In their initial brief consultation about a necessary surgery, the surgeon made a very bad impression on his patient. He had delivered the bad news about a cancer diagnosis in terse, dispassionate and ultra-clinical tones. The patient in question was upset, deemed the doctor a “callous bastard” and judged him to be arrogant and supercilious.He instantly decided he would find a new doctor at the earliest opportunity. Later, following the surgery, the same doctor appeared at the patient’s bedside to announce a very favorable treatment outcome. His manner was relaxed and affable. A personal conversation then unfolded in which the physician expressed that he had been quite worried about the preliminary diagnostic findings and had not been optimistic about what they would find during surgery. In hindsight, it seemed clear that his cold and uncaring manner in the initial conversation had been a function of his own anxieties – arguably too much caring rather than too little! Very different relational moments!

Once we grasp the intrinsic relationality of speaking and listening, one radical implication is that we can no longer sit comfortably in the assumption that our own subjective experience

is necessarily the truth. For example, when we are confronted with another person’s perception of us that does not fit our own world-view (or which we do not want to hear) our automatic default is often to sustain our belief in the greater wisdom of our own point of view, (which we consider
to be the truer one). Mindfulness of conversation affords a wonderful opportunity for inquiry of this sort.

Last but not least, it may be helpful to consider the transformative opportunity available in the conversation that takes place within our minds in the form of deep self-
reflection. The word ‘conversation’ is useful in this context because it brings awareness to the fact that thinking itself is a relational process. As such, it can be a generative and growth-facilitating aspect of our minds, not merely the unwanted source of ruminative distraction it is often painted to be.

Mindful awareness of inner conversation can be quite revealing. Inner speech may manifest in words or phrases that catch our attention; at other times, it can be elaborated into ideas we want to express. We may notice replays of actual conversations we have had with others. Our minds may host soliloquies or arguments, or fantasize entire interactions with others. The narrative themes that can be observed in meditative mind shed a lot of light on our actual interactions with others.

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The relational dimension of thinking is the basis for various forms of psychotherapy and self-help. For example, “self-talk” is touted as a method to change your mind and/or your life; as a way of correcting undesirable beliefs or as a strategy for bringing about behavior change. A recent book offers to teach you how to “talk to yourself like a Buddhist” and how to use mindfulness practice to silence the inner critic. What such top-down methods underestimate, however, is that behavior is deeply rooted in emotional layers of the psyche and is therefore often inaccessible to language.

Changing inner dialogue is likely to be more effective when self-messages are spoken out loud and dramatized, allowing different voices or part-selves to be expressed. This process illuminates our psychosocial nature: the fabric of our being-with others. In order to change negative beliefs, we also have to address the relational wounds that engendered them.

In any of these ways, when we immerse ourselves in the conversation that takes place within our minds, when we can be present with both our narratives and the felt sense of our symbolized experience, we can discover many different voices, many different layers of knowing and cognizing within. There is value in becoming aware of the entire process.

Above all, we can come to know that the intimate dance of conversation has transformative potential. Communication is a generative act; no one knows in advance what will come out of a conversation. It is more of an event that happens to us than something we do, and it allows something to emerge. This potential is what the writer Ursula Le Guin calls “the beauty and terror of conversation, that ancient and abiding human gift.” In every act of communication, she tells us, there is “the possibility of planting into another mind a seed sprouted in ours and watching it blossom into a breathtaking flower of mutual understanding”; on the other hand,
however, there is also “the possibility of being wholly misunderstood, reduced to a withering weed.” Ultimately, it is the climate of relationship in communication that allows transformative change to come into being.

References

LeGuin, U. 2004. The Wave In The Mind. Shambhala Press, Boston.

Schuman, M. 2017. Mindfulness-Informed Relational Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis: Inquiring Deeply. Routledge Press, New York.

Stern, D.N. 2004. The Present Moment in Psychotherapy and Everyday Life. W.W. Norton, New York.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Marjorie Schuman, PhD is a clinical psychologist and certified psychoanalyst with four decades of experience practicing Buddhist insight meditation in the Theravadan tradition. In 1995 she co-founded the Center for Mindfulness and Psychotherapy in Santa Monica, CA. She teaches and does clinical consultation with a focus on deep inquiry and mindfulness-informed psychotherapy. A member of the faculty at the Los Angeles Institute and Society for Psychoanalytic Studies and at Pacifica Graduate Institute, Marjorie is the author of Mindfulness-Informed Relational Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis: Inquiring Deeply (Routledge Press, 2017). Her monthly Inquiring Deeply Newsletter is freely offered at https://www.drmarjorieschuman.com.

 

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Posted by mkeane on Monday, October 29th, 2018 @ 1:17AM
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