Taking In

TAKING IN THE GOOD: Key Points

"At the banquets of life, bring a big spoon." 

What Is Taking In? 

  • In a profound sense, we are what we remember - the slow accumulation of the registration  of lived experience. That's what we have "taken in" to become a part of ourselves. Just as food  becomes woven into the body, memory becomes woven into the self.  
  • Two kinds of memory: Explicit and Implicit.  

- Explicit: Recollections of specific events.  

- Implicit: Emotions, body sensations, relationship paradigms, sense of the world.  • Implicit memory - emotional/somatic memory - is different from remembering ideas or  concepts: this kind of memory is in your "gut." It's visceral, felt, powerful, and rooted in the  most ancient and fundamental structures of your brain.  

  • The sense of self, of what it feels like to be you, is rooted in emotional/somatic memory.  That's why it's crucial to take real good care of what's contained in those memory banks.  

The Importance of Taking In Positive Experiences 

  • Negative experience is registered immediately: helps survival.  
  • Positive experiences generally have to be held in awareness for 5 - 10 - 20 seconds for them  to register in emotional memory.  
  • Negative experiences trump positive ones: A single bad event with a dog is more  memorable than a 1000 good times.  
  • Experiments with learned helplessness: great illustration of the enduring power of  negative experiences compared to positive ones.  
  • Therefore, it is SO IMPORTANT to consciously, deliberately help the brain register  positive experiences so they sink into the deepest layers of your mind. The benefits:  - Generally positive internal emotional landscape, atmosphere, climate.  - The fundamental foundation of self-soothing, emotional self-regulation, resilience.  - Positive expectations about oneself, others, and the future. This is the legitimate basis  of "verified optimism."  

- It's also the basis of true faith or confidence in your spiritual path.  

- "Evoked others," the sense of others inside who are nurturing, encouraging.  - In psychological terms, this is the mechanism of what's understood as the  internalization of positive resources.  

- A crucial resource inside and pathway for healing from trauma.  

  • All this is about being in reality, not wearing rose-colored glasses:  

- It's about proportionality, about our sense of the world being consistent with the  nature of the world. For example, if the "mosaic" of life is mainly good, shouldn't our  sense of living itself be mainly good?!  

- It's about learning from new positive experiences - having them make a difference. It's  about using new positive experiences to counterbalance old negative ones.  

  • From a spiritual perspective, you are helping yourself really sense and then register good  experiences on the path, or that come with skillful practice (e.g., the sukha, or deep happiness of  peaceful meditation). This has many benefits:  

- Highlight the milestones along the way, so you can know what they feel like and find  your way back to them.  

- Build faith and confidence in the fruits of the path.  

- Reward yourself for doing something that's noble but not always easy, and thus  support your ongoing motivation.  

- More easily tap into the peace, contentment, and basic well-being that are the  preconditions for deep states of concentration and insight.  

How to Take in the Good 

The Science  

Since you are building up records of experiences in your most visceral memory banks, you need  to focus on the emotional and body sensation aspects of your positive experiences. Through the  mindfulness skills you've already learned, really tune into the embodied sense of the good  experience. For example, relax your breathing and extend your awareness into the felt sense of  the experience in your body.  

General Attitudes  

  • Being in reality. You are just being fair, seeing the truth of things. You are not being vain  or arrogant - which distort the truth of things.  
  • You've earned the good times: the meal is set before you, it's already paid for, and you  might as well dig in!  
  • Recognize the value to yourself and others of taking in positive experiences. It is a good, a  moral, a virtuous thing to soak in good experiences. Even from a spiritual perspective, positive  emotional states support practice through freeing up attention, building confidence and faith in  the path, and fueling heartfelt caring and kindness for others.  

Try to be aware of any attitudes that say it's vain, selfish, sinful, or somehow unfair to feel  good -- especially about yourself. Explore those attitudes -- and then let them go by relaxing  your body, releasing the emotions embedded in the attitude, and disputing in your mind the  illogical beliefs in the attitude.  

Specific Actions Inside Yourself  

#1 Help positive events to become positive experiences for you. You can do this by:  • Paying attention to the good things in your world, and inside yourself. This includes  pretty sunsets, nice songs on the radio, chocolate!, people being nice to you, the smell of a baby's  hair, getting something done at work, finishing the dishes, holding your temper, getting  yourself to the gym, feeling your natural goodheartedness, etc., etc. You could set a goal each  day to actively look for beauty in your world, or signs of caring for you by others, or good  qualities within yourself, etc.  

  • Maintaining a relaxed, accepting, spacious awareness.   
  • Setting aside for the moment any concerns or irritations, or at least nudging them to the  background of your attention.  
  • Sometimes doing things deliberately to create positive experiences for yourself. For  example, you could take on a challenge, or do something nice for others, or bring to mind  feelings of compassion and caring, or call up the sense or memory of feeling contented,  peaceful, and happy.  

#2 Extend the experience in time and space:  

  • Keep your attention on it so it lingers; don't just jump onto something else.  • Let it fill your body with positive sensations and emotions.  

⮴ Savor, relish the positive experience. It's delicious!  

#3 Sense that the positive experience is soaking into your brain and body - registering deeply  in emotional memory. Perhaps imagine that it's sinking into your chest and back and brainstem.  Maybe imagine a treasure chest in your heart.  

 Take the time to do this: 5 or 10 or 20 seconds. Keep relaxing your body and absorbing the  positive experience.  

#4 For bonus points: Sense that the positive experience is going down into old hollows  and wounds within you and filling them up and replacing them with new positive  feelings and views.  

These are typically places where the new positive experience is the opposite of, the  antidote to the old one.  

Like current experiences of worth replacing old feelings of shame or inadequacy. Or  current feelings of being cared about and loved replacing old feelings of rejection,  abandonment, loneliness. Or a current sense of one's own strength replacing old feelings of  weakness, smallness.  

The "replaced" experience may be from adulthood. But usually the most valuable  experiences to replace are from our youngest years. They are the "tip of the root of the  dandelion," the ones we need to pull to prevent the dandelion of upsets from growing back.  

The way to do this is to have the new positive experience be prominent and in the  foreground of your awareness at the same time that the old pain or unmet needs are dimly  sensed in the background.  

The new experiences will gradually replace the old ones. You will not forget events that  happened, but they will lose their charge and their hold on you.  

THIS IS A PROFOUND, FAR-REACHING, AND GENUINE WAY TO HELP YOURSELF  GROW. YOU ARE LITERALLY CHANGING YOUR OWN BRAIN.  

Important Kinds of Experiences to Take In

Introduction  

Everybody has vulnerabilities, particular soft spots or "holes in the heart" which we yearn to be  filled to make up for missing experiences (mainly from childhood). Reflect on yourself or ask a  trusted friend what those might be for you. Then look specifically for experiences that would  address your needs - or even take appropriate steps to evoke such experiences in yourself (e.g.,  ask a friend to explain a little what led her to say something nice about you). Then, once the  experience arrives, you know what to do with it!  

Common Key Experiences - and Potential Sources  

⮴ For all of these, look for opportunities to feel them in the moment, and reflect on the past  for signs of them as well.  

  • Safety, security - Settings that feel protected; being with someone who is completely  accepting; (for many people) being in nature; if this speaks to you, feeling cradled in God's love.  
  • Gratitude, appreciation - Even the smallest bit of good fortune; appreciating simple things  like a sunset, a smile, or a spoon; reflecting on the good things in your life today or in the past.  
  • Strength, "I'm a survivor," tenacity, grit, resilience - Any time in a day when you were  determined, or moved forward in the face of fear, "spoke truth to power," used your will,  pushed back, asserted yourself, etc.  
  • Feeling loved, cared about, liked, included, attended to, empathized with - Notice when  people give you their interested attention, or are warm, or touch you kindly, or are loving, or  join with you in any way. Notice when you are included, fit in, are part of the gang. Look for the  sense of community, of belonging. Especially look for implicit goodwill toward you within  others that may not be actively expressed but is truly present inside their hearts.  
  • Worth, value, competence, capability, "good enough" - Look both for acknowledgement  from others that you matter and have value as well as for signs of this on your own. Like times  when you learned something new or did something hard. Any ways that you have contributed  to others, like raising a child, volunteering in your community, helped a friend feel better,  accomplished something at work, clarified something in a meeting, were kind to a stranger,  helped a family member, held back your hand on tongue when you were angry, etc. Simply the  sense of validity in existing, in being here - like the Buddha touching the ground when  challenged by the forces of darkness to say "I get to be here, as part of this earth" - in having  rights as a being to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  
  • Your innate goodness - It's a remarkable fact that the people who have gone the very  deepest into the human mind and heart - in others words, the sages and saints of every religious  tradition - all say the same thing: the fundamental nature of every human being is pure,  conscious, peaceful, radiant, kind, and wise . . . and is joined in mysterious ways with the  ultimate underpinnings of reality, by whatever name we give That.  

Just look inside. When you are calm and don't feel threatened, what sort of person are  you? Of course, like everyone else, you wish the best for other people (and yourself). You can  sense your own deepest qualities, even if they're sometimes veiled by the worries and sorrows  we all feel. As an inherent property of the nervous system, there's a deep down essence or core  in each of us that is awake, present, interested, and quietly happy. And if this sort of language  speaks to you, you could also reflect on and deepen your sense of your own soul, innermost  being, or Buddhanature.  

As you access a growing feeling of your innate goodness, let that sink in like any other  beautiful experience.

A Meditation on Gratitude

Set aside a quiet time during which you can reflect on some of the many things you could be  thankful for. As a starting point, you might read the passage below to yourself or out loud,  adapting it to your situation as you like.  

There really is so much to be thankful for.  

I am grateful to my friends. For their good qualities, for the good things they have done  for me. For the ways they are fun, for the good times we've had.  

I am grateful for my children - if I have any - for the delight and love they bring, for the  sweet smell of their hair and the soft touch of their skin. For the first time they smiled at  me or walked into my arms. For the meaning they bring to life. For receiving my love  and lessons. For being their own persons, for giving me their own love and lessons.  Having them at all is a miracle, and the rest is details.  

I appreciate myself. For the love I have given to others, for all the conversations had, for  all the helpful acts toward others, for all the dishes done. For the long hours I’ve  worked, the hoops I’ve jumped through to keep all those balls up in the air. For the  efforts I’ve made, the many times I’ve stayed patient, the many times I’ve found more  to give inside when I thought I was empty.  

I appreciate my lovers and mates, past and present. I can focus on one of these persons,  perhaps my spouse or mate if I'm currently in a relationship, and bring to mind the  ways he or she has been good to me. I appreciate the fun we’ve had together, the humor  and the companionship. I feel grateful for the times of support, understanding, and  sympathy. For sweating and suffering too.  

I feel thankful for the life I’ve already had, for the good parts of my childhood, for  everything I’ve learned, for good friends and beautiful sights. For the roof over my  head and the bread on my table, for being able to have a life that is healthier, longer,  and freer than most people have ever dreamed of. For this beautiful world, where each  breath is a gift of air, each dawn a gift of light. For the plants and animals that die so I  may live. For the extraordinary gifts of evolution I carry in each cell of my body, for the  capabilities accumulated during three and a half billion years of life’s presence on our  planet.  

I feel thankful for the wonder of the universe, for all the atoms in my body—the carbon  in my bones, the oxygen and iron in my blood—that were born in the heart of a star  billions of years ago, to drift through space, to form a sun and planets, to form the hand  that holds this piece of paper and the eye that reads this word. 

I feel thankful for all that was in order for me to be. For grace, for wisdom, for the  sacred, for spirit as I know it. For this moment, this breath, this sight. For every good  

thing that was, that is, that ever will be.

Taking In the Good Stuff 

I get to the end of a long day and I feel just used up and sort of empty . . .  

You, like every mother - and many fathers, too - put out so much during the day  that it's easy to get depleted: more is going out than is coming back in. And after  awhile, it is natural to feel like you are running on empty.  

That's why it's so vital to keep putting back in your tank. We've written a lot  about how to replenish yourself with good nutrition and vitamins (all posted on  our website). Here, let's look at how to fill yourself back up emotionally.  

The key is to look for positive moments, and then take an extra few seconds to  savor the experience and let it sink deeply into your emotional memory banks. It's  as simple as that.  

This is especially important if a fair amount of the day to day experiences you're  having are stressful or upsetting -- which is pretty typical for a parent of young  children, even when there are also lots of wonderful, sweet times with the kids.  Negative experiences get instantly recorded by the brain to help us survive,  leaving a kind of residue in the mind - an internal mood or atmosphere that  shapes how we feel about life, other people, and ourselves.  

But unless it’s a million-dollar moment, positive experiences are not recorded in  the same way: we have to hold them in our awareness for some seconds so that  they sink in. Of course, if you do that consciously a few times each day, those new  positive experiences will gradually build up to make your mood more positive  over time, and help you be more optimistic and cheerful and happy.  

This is also a great way to help all children, but particularly those whose  temperament is either spirited or anxious. Spirited kids tend to zoom along so fast  they are onto the next thing before they've registered the positive experience they  just had. And anxious kids especially need the positive inner resources of  reassurance and encouragement that come from soaking in good feelings.  

OK, so how to do it? 

It's incredibly simple. There are four steps, but these will become very quick and  automatic with just a little practice - and you can adapt them for your children:  • Notice positive events and then let them become positive experiences for  you. (Even better, actively look for opportunities to have positive experiences,  such as looking for good things about yourself, or kindness and respect toward  you from others.)  

  • Savor the experience. Make it last. Try to feel it in your body - like sensing a  feeling of love as a warmth filling your whole chest.  
  • Sense that the positive experience is soaking into your brain and body -  registering deeply in emotional memory. Maybe imagine a treasure chest in your  heart (an especially good method for children). Consciously intend for it to really  sink into you.  
  • For bonus points: Sense that the positive experience is going down into old  hollows and wounds within you and filling them up and replacing them with  new positive feelings and views.  

Like current experiences of worth replacing old feelings of shame or  inadequacy. Or current feelings of being cared about and loved replacing old  feelings of rejection, abandonment, loneliness. Or a current sense of one's own  strength replacing old feelings of weakness, smallness.  

The way to do this is to have the new positive experience be prominent and  in the foreground of your awareness at the same time that the old pain or unmet  needs are dimly sensed in the background.  

The new experiences will gradually replace the old ones. You will not forget  events that happened, but they will lose their charge and their hold on you.  

Try those four steps a few times and you'll see how effective they are. And from  about age 3 on, when you are putting your child to bed, you can take a minute or  two to have the child think about something happy, and then feel like those good  feelings are sinking in, like water into a sponge, like sunlight into a shirt, or like  jewels going into a treasure chest.  

In sum, this is a profound, far-reaching, and genuine way to help yourself, or your  children. It literally changes the brain in enormously healthy ways.