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Going on a Meditation Retreat

Embracing Silence to Cultivate Mindfulness and Compassion

© 2025 Frits Koster, Jetty Heynekamp, and Victoria Norton

Adapted from Going on a Meditation Retreat by Frits Koster, Jetty Heynekamp, and Victoria Norton (Routledge, 2025).

Silent meditation retreats are becoming increasingly mainstream as more people learn and practice mindfulness or insight meditation and want to “take the next step,” or simply step out of the often frantic and overwhelming rhythm of day-to-day activity to find space for reflection.
We have been leading silent retreats for many years and during the Covid-19 lockdowns we found the time and space to distill our experience into a guide for beginners and more experienced retreatants; for Buddhist as well as more secular audiences.

Why go on a silent retreat?

There are many reasons why you might want to find space for reflection. A retreat offers the opportunity to pause and take a breath. Some of us want to create space to reflect on something specific, such as a profound loss or a difficult pattern like struggling with unfulfilled longings or a tendency toward conflict. Sometimes we are not experiencing specific suffering but are seeking deeper wisdom and meaning amid the chaos of ordinary life. This impulse is not new. Great religious figures such as Jesus Christ, the Buddha, and the Prophet Muhammad all “withdrew” from life for a time to spend periods in solitude and deep spiritual reflection.

Going on retreat as an escape

Sometimes we can have a bit of a tricky motivation and I (Frits) definitely belonged to this category. My first meditation teacher suggested I join a retreat. “It is nice, in the forest,” he said, and it would make me “more peaceful.” Well, the oasis of peace turned out to be a cold former Catholic convent with long corridors and the ‘forest’ turned out to be a few trees outside the window, however we were not allowed to go outside. I had tried traveling, drinking, and smoking cannabis to escape my inner restlessness, and unconsciously had sought a similar escape in meditation. My teacher explained that insight meditation works like a mirror, providing clarity into how my mind functioned. He said that encountering pain, unrest, and suffering within ourselves is a common starting point, and that inner peace would naturally emerge by patiently acknowledging whatever arose. So what began as an escape actually became a homecoming to all the unrest and unprocessed frustration within myself.

The importance of readiness

While it might sound quite wonderful, a retreat can be challenging. For a long time meditation was presented as something purely beneficial, but as we know, anything that can have positive effects can also have unwanted consequences. It is important to have expert guidance and support during the retreat, and this should ideally be available after you return home. You wouldn’t run a marathon or half-marathon without guidance or sufficient training  while running is good for your health, you can also hurt yourself doing it. If you are currently experiencing a depressive episode or other difficult circumstance, such as a move or acrimonious divorce, it might be best to postpone until things settle down.

So why go on a meditation retreat? There are many benefits supported by both contemporary as well as ancient Buddhist perspectives.

The neuroscientific perspective

The American researcher Richard Davidson describes well-being as a skill or art, in which mindfulness plays an important role. Much of the research on how mindfulness works has found that it is associated with the valuable effects described below.

Attention regulation
On retreat you can pay attention to different types of attention: focused and receptive. A big theme here is energy management. On retreat we pay attention moment-to-moment over a long period of time. We may start to notice that we are striving too much or “efforting.” It can be very liberating to discover that we do not always have to focus deeply on our work and that we can also be present or do something with less tension and more receptive awareness.

Body awareness
Interoception is the ability to perceive ones own body from the inside, which appears to promote well-being. This also includes learning to relate to physical difficulties and limitations in a different way. Jon Kabat-Zinn expresses this concisely: “Pain is inevitable  suffering is optional.”

Emotion regulation
We could also view mindfulness practice as training in emotion management, which promotes our resilience and our well-being. We become less identified with the emotions and moods that can whisk us away, sometimes to places where we would rather not be. It is possible to cultivate inner flexibility in working with this.

Shift in perspective
In the practice of mindfulness, we develop a meta-perspective, in which we are less automatically focused and fixated on the content of thoughts and can notice them as small flows of energy and information passing by. This subtle expression of equanimity is also called non-identification or defusion.. A shift in perspective also involves discovering a new and more helpful attitude or mindset toward any difficulties we experience. By developing the ability to sit on the banks of our own lives, we more easily discover deeper values, which are often neglected in our hectic everyday lives  a process called “value clarification.”

Self-compassion and compassion for others
Research shows that by practicing mindfulness we become more gentle and understanding toward ourselves, as self-care is developed implicitly. Research shows that the practice of mindfulness also supports prosocial behavior, such as showing kindness to others, comforting others, sharing, generosity either in time or money, helping others, or showing care for animals and the environment.

The Buddhist perspective

“Why are you wearing shoes?” If you allow this question to sink in, you will come to the conclusion that humans started wearing shoes to protect our feet. In a similar way, Buddhist psychology teaches us that mindfulness has a protective effect. It intercepts when we gently notice that desire, impatience, anxiety, or confusion has arisen. This awareness can weaken habitual, unhelpful patterns, allowing us to see what is most helpful in the situation, while preventing additional suffering.

This aspect of the practice is expressed in the fourth abiding or field of awareness: dhammānupassanā. This not only refers to “awareness of phenomena,” but also invites us down a path whereby we can intercept and prevent tendencies that cause distress through awareness and wise attunement (yoniso manasikāra) and cultivate qualities that enhance freedom. Inner freedom

Inner freedom

Nibbāna is a term that is often mentioned in the Buddhist tradition, and appealingly translated as Enlightenment in Western languages. More carefully translated, this Pali word means “not (or no longer) burning.” This relates to all kinds of reactivity latent within us that can easily restrict or sour our own lives, others’ lives, or both. These tendencies are therefore often summarised as ‘the three poisons’: craving (lobha), hatred (dosa), and delusion (moha). When these three come into play, we need to handle them wisely if we want to avoid causing harm. According to Buddhism, these tendencies are extinguished with the experience of Enlightenment.

Different stages of existential understanding

According to Buddhist psychology, Enlightenment does not happen suddenly and requires much practice. A weeklong retreat is usually considered a good start but not a complete journey, as the journey has many different stages. After a period of easy practice, the practice can lead you into a meditative landscape sometimes described as the ‘dark night.’ In this phase of the practice, fear, sadness, listlessness, and repulsion or even disgust can be experienced, and all kinds of unpleasant physical sensations can suddenly appear. This is not an easy phase and it is important to have support and guidance at this time.

When practitioners meet impermanence, dissatisfaction, and lack of control on a deep experiential level it can feel destabilizing, even in people who are otherwise psychologically healthy. It might be helpful to know that these phases are not a sign of ‘not doing it right’ and in fact, in Zen Buddhism they are referred to as the ‘more original face’ in life. The atmosphere can eventually return to a state of benign calm with continued practice. It becomes easy and effortless again. Sayadaw U Pandita from Myanmar has described this as meditative “cruise control.” Then a specific form of equanimity arises, namely equanimity with regard to phenomena (sankhārupekkhā). This grows stronger as you continue with the practice and brings forth the qualities of clear and relaxed presence, a natural wisdom in relating to ‘unhelpful guests in the practice,’ and grounded inner balance.

Enlightenment with a big E

All these stages are impermanent and not unique to the individual, and are quite natural
5: It is therefore important for retreat teachers to have a lot of retreat experience and to be well familiar with this more difficult phase in the practice.
meditative maturation processes, with many meditators going back and forth between them. According to Buddhism, when conditions are favorable. and the five spiritual faculties (indriya)  faith, dedication, mindfulness, momentary concentration, and wisdom  are well developed and balanced, Enlightenment can occur. This experience (called Satori in Zen Buddhism) is described as a liberating emptiness that extinguishes latent tendencies. One need not be a Buddhist for this; in many cultures we can find examples of people who carry themselves with a natural calmness and show little or no trace of addiction, jealousy, impatience, or other inclinations where desire, hatred, and delusion could easily arise.

Different perspectives are offered on the experience of Enlightenment. In early Buddhism it is described as an experience with a meditative path leading to it; in Zen Buddhism it is also described as a state that we all already carry within us  Buddha-nature. The practice does not offer a path that leads somewhere, but rather provides a way to discover the deep inner freedom already present.

A well-known Buddhist teacher from the last century, Suzuki Roshi, author of the famous book Zen mind, beginners mind (1976), sometimes referred to Enlightenment as ‘the Ultimate Disappointment’. We think this is a very beautiful approach, because it no longer refers to disappointment as something negative but as a liberating emotion. After all, unrealistic, unhelpful expectations are extinguished with disappointment. We wake up from a dream which temporarily blinds us and we are able to reconnect with the here and now. The well-known Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung formulated this as follows: “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”

Enlightenment with a small e

There is also enlightenment with a small “e” when the danger of identifying with an ideal of perfect inner freedom can creep in. When constrictive attachment, hatred, aversion, doubt, pride, or other limiting habit patterns present themselves, it is easy to become discouraged. But once you simply notice whats happening, youre free from attachment, aversion, and confusion. You dwell in an oasis; a cool place that protects you from the heat of craving, hatred and misunderstanding.

Any experience can be used to come home to this oasis: breathing, hearing, thinking, feeling, and even anger, impatience, doubt, desire or fear. When impatience arises, simply acknowledging it means you are no longer caught up in that impatience. The impatience may still be there, but a subtle inner space has been created, so you are less reactive. This makes the practice accessible  we stop counting the moments of inattention and instead appreciate or even celebrate every moment of mindfulness. The Buddha put it this way: ‘Just like the ocean has one taste, namely the taste of salt, this teaching also has one taste, namely the taste of inner freedom.’

We can also experience Enlightenment with a small e when we spend a short or longer time in what Diana Winston (2019) describes as natural awareness:

• Your mind is fully and effortlessly aware and not distracted.
• Your mind feels like a wide open space, where all kinds of experiences come and go.
• You are aware, but not identified with the part of you that is aware.
• You feel calm and at peace.
• You are aware that you are observant and can easily dwell in that.
• Everything seems to happen automatically.
• You experience a sense of satisfaction that is not connected to external circumstances.
• You are just being  without an agenda  and this being creates a sense of timelessness and ease.
• Participants experience these kinds of moments more often in the second half of a retreat.
  They happen spontaneously, but for most of us it takes practice to access them. Such
  experiences are like little gems that strengthen our confidence. They can be tremendously
  liberating.

Olympic meditators?

The effects of the practice show themselves in all kinds of different, often unforeseen ways, and this does not always coincide with increasing happiness and joy. A good friend put this into words: ‘The advantage of becoming more mindful is that we start feeling more in body and mind. The disadvantage of becoming more mindful is that we start feeling more in body and mind.’

When we gather with participants during our retreats for “inquiry meetings” we regularly indicate that insight has two aspects. We may be confronted by painful grief, unconscious patterns, or confusion about how to proceed. Moreover, the existential insight that is deepened during the retreat may need time to be integrated into our daily lives. In the long run, this appears to have an expansive effect, as a signpost to a freer life.

Daniel Goleman is a well-known psychologist, author and journalist; Richard Davidson is believed to have been the first researcher into the workings and effects of meditation. Their 2017 book Altered Traits covers discoveries from many years of research by Davidson and his team. Their analysis of longitudinal data from experienced meditators, in particular, indicated that prolonged practice causes character traits to change in favorable ways.

We hope we have inspired you to go on a silent retreat. We invite you to bring an open mind, wisdom, and compassion toward what you may encounter. In our experience, every retreat brings up familiar themes and unexpected surprises. Sometimes it can be tough, and at other times it can be surprisingly easy, but drinking deeply from the well of silence will ultimately set you on a path to cultivating the peace and spaciousness that will enrich your life.

References

Anālayo, bh. (2018). Satipatthāna meditation. A practice guide. Cambridge: Windhorse Publications.
Goleman, D. & Davidson, R. J. (2017). Altered traits. Science reveals how meditation changes your
mind, brain, and body. New York: Avery Publishing Group.
Suzuki, S. (1976). Zen mind, beginner’s mind. Informal talks on zen meditation and practice. Boulder:
Shambhala Publications.
Winston, D. (2019). The little book of being. Practices and guidance for uncovering your natural
awareness. Louisville USA: Sounds True, Inc.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Frits Koster has practised vipassana meditation since 1979. He lived as a Buddhist monk in Asia for six years and has been teaching meditation retreats internationally for over 30 years. He is a qualified MBSR, MBCL and IMP teacher, and the author of various books, including his latest co-authored work Going on a Meditation Retreat (Routledge, 2025). See www.fritskoster.com.

Jetty Heynekamp is a retired physiotherapist who has been practising insight meditation since 1982. She is a certified mindfulness teacher and guides meditation retreats with her partner Frits Koster. She is co-author of Going on a Meditation Retreat (Routledge, 2025) and co-editor of Mindful communication (Routledge, 2023).

 Victoria Norton is a certified mindfulness teacher whose professional background is in teaching and communications management. She is co-author of Going on a Meditation Retreat (Routledge, 2025) and co-editor of Mindful communication (Routledge, 2023).

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Dream Road

© Tara Sophia Mohr

Being on the road to our dreams means: We’ve found the courage to articulate them. We’ve pulled them out from being buried in our guts and spoken them, even if only to ourselves.

 

Being on the road to our dreams means: We’ve said: this dream is worthy. Worthy of my time, my energy, my best effort. I will host it, I will welcome it, I will keep the kindlings going for the fire.

 

Being on the road to our dreams means: Keeping the vision alive in our minds. Returning, again and again, to the imagined future, and letting its image guide us.

 

Being on the road to our dreams means: We’ve said: I’m in. I’m in for this project. I will try. I will work toward it. I will be my own friend in this way.

 

Freedom comes when we step, with both feet, onto the road toward our dreams not when we reach the destination. That’s when the joy and the poignancy and the lightness of heart arrives.

 

When we step, wholeheartedly with both feet with permission and with surrender onto the road of our dreams.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tara Sophia Mohr is an author, teacher and coach devoted to exploring the intersections of spirituality, personal growth, and social change. Tara is the author of the bestselling book on the inner work of leadership, Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead, published by Penguin Random House, and named a Best Book of the Year by Apple’s iBooks. She is the creator of the pioneering Playing Big leadership program, and Playing Big Facilitators Training and The Coaching Way for coaches, mentors and managers who support others in their personal and professional growth. Her work has been featured in publications ranging from The New York Times to Harvard Business Review. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and loves dance, art, and long walks with her family.

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Healing Perfectionism, One Tap at a Time

©2025 Tara Cousineau, PhD

Excerpt adapted from The Perfectionist’s Dilemma: Learn the Art of Self-Compassion and Become a Happy Achiever, by Tara Cousineau, Chapter 9, Spark the Energy of Excellence.

Perfectionism pushed me to achieve everything I thought I wanted—until the day it pushed me to the ground.

My moment of recognition happened not long after earning my PhD in clinical psychology. I was in my early 30s. We just bought a home. I was starting a new job. We were having a summer barbecue, and my toddlers were playing on the swing set. With a food tray in one hand and grilling utensils in the other, I suddenly felt a seizing pulsation from the right side of my face to the end of my fingers. I thought I was having a stroke. I couldn’t articulate a sound other than muttering “911” to my husband. The fear was: “I’m going to die in front of my children.” As I heard my girls giggling in the distance, I passed out.

“Tara, just breathe,” I told myself on the gurney as I was driven off to the local ER. I lay in the hospital bed hooked up to various monitors, just relieved I wasn’t having a stroke. Later, a visit to a neurologist assured me that I did not have a brain tumor. My reflexes were working, and all lab tests were normal. The neurologist chalked it up to stress. “Try to relax,” the nurses repeatedly told me.

It took being carried out on a stretcher in front of my confused little family for me to eventually recognize I just had a panic attack. After years of striving and achieving to make something of myself, being a workaholic, and feeling like my efforts were never enough, my body had had enough.

As time passed, my panic attack began to make more sense. For months afterward, prickly sensations spread from the right side of my skull across my cheekbones, quivering at the top of my lip as if I had walked into a spider’s web. These physical sensations were ever-present, yet there was no obvious reason for them. I feared I might be losing my mind. The persistent mystery symptom left me constantly irritated and frustrated. Finally, a kind dentist offered a diagnosis: trigeminal neuralgia. The Mayo Clinic describes it as “a chronic pain disorder that causes sudden, severe facial pain, often described as electric shock-like sensations, due to irritation of the trigeminal nerve, which carries sensation to the face.”

Relieved with this knowledge, I embarked on a journey into alternative and complementary medicines that helped me to soothe the fireworks in my face. I began to consider pain in a new way—as pools of energy that could become stuck, overactive, or underactive. Physically, it was like a pinched nerve in my jaw. Metaphysically, my trigeminal neuralgia became an invitation to reconnect my head and heart. I found that various energetic practices removed the element of self-judgment, in part because they were gentle and gave me a sense of personal control.
As my nerve pain eased over time with the help of traditional acupuncture, I was introduced to Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)—often called “psychological acupuncture” or, more simply, “tapping.” That changed everything.

 

What is Tapping?

EFT is not a stand-alone therapy but is frequently integrated into traditional counseling, mind-body medicine, and palliative care to help clients reduce distress, regulate their nervous system, and find quick relief in the moment. Its effectiveness is supported by a growing body of scientific research. Clinical EFT is also used to help people process past trauma and shift core negative beliefs that continue to impact their daily lives, work, and relationships.

At its core, EFT is a body-based stress reduction technique—a safe and efficient way to move out of a heightened stress response. Tapping is often used as therapeutic homework between sessions, and there are apps and videos available to support a self-help approach. It’s an ideal tool for perfectionists because tapping combines building distress tolerance, addressing limiting beliefs, and cultivating self-acceptance.

Tapping involves using a fingertip or two to stimulate particular acupoints located on your head, other hand, and torso. When a therapist first led me through an EFT sequence, I thought it was too silly and simple to be effective. In truth, I was more self-conscious than anything because tapping does look odd to an outsider—it’s like watching a baseball pitcher and catcher emit pitch signs. The instructions for the tapping skills literally had me physically tapping on the very areas of my face that were inflamed, as if tapping were invented for my condition!

The truth of the matter is perfectionists, myself included, often don’t have patience to practice the little things, but when done consistently they can generate big results. If you have an impatient inner doubter or skeptic, that’s OK. Now that I’m trained in the modality, I consider it a staple in the Happy Achiever Tool kit (www.perfectionistsdilemma.com), especially for perfectionistic self-saboteurs. Plus, it’s very easy to learn and practice on your own.

Credit: Illustration by Josie Cousineau

 

Clearing Perfectionist Blocks with Tapping

Tapping involves acupressure points along a number of the meridian pathways in Traditional Chinese Medicine. The points are associated with electromagnetic fields in the body and organs. Tapping is thought to regulate the nervous system through stimulation of an electrical signal via connective tissue that travels to neural circuits in the brain that maintain limiting beliefs, traumatic memories, and emotional arousal. In this way, tapping may help with emotion regulation, memory reconsolidation, and overall well-being. At minimum, tapping involves a combination of stimulating acupressure points while simultaneously using words or imagery. You don’t even need to know what the points are associated with in the body for the tapping to work.

The basic recipe begins with a gentle tapping, about seven to ten quick taps on each point, beginning on the pinky side of one hand (1), at the brow between the eyes (2), at the far side of eye and just below the brow’s edge (3), under the eye (4), above and below the lips (5 and 6), an inch below the collarbones (7), a few inches under an armpit at lower rib (8), and at the top of the head (9). EFT practitioners may use slightly different points, have variations in sequence, and begin or follow up with other light touch gestures to integrate the tapping. For our purposes with EFT lite, you can follow the recipe below.

It may feel awkward at first, but once you know the pattern, it becomes second nature. As you identify a target concern for tapping, you verbally pair an “even though” statement of the fear, concern, or aspiration with an acceptance statement as you will identify next.

 

Reflection #1: Finding Your Acceptance Statement

At first it may help to have some writing materials available to remember your setup statement. The classic acceptance statement is “I deeply and completely love and accept myself,” or simply “I love and accept myself.” In my experience with perfectionists, they’ll resist using an acceptance statement at first. This is often because self-acceptance and self-love are core issues. Using a “choice” statement is a good alternative. If nothing lands from the list below, consider something you might grow into over time. You decide what works for you, but it is important to grow toward unconditional acceptance no matter how tentative. Even if it feels awkward, just try one acceptance statement on for size.

The invitation is to address an energetic block—a mind/body pattern that keeps you stuck even though it’s trying to solve a problem. These patterns have to do with experiences and beliefs related to worthiness, scarcity, a conviction that a goal is impossible, a fear that you don’t have what it takes (compared to others), and competing motivations among your inner parts. You can think of this as a pesky predictive pattern in the brain with deep energetic roots.

 

Reflection #2: What’s Your Current Dilemma?

Think of a thought pattern you’ve been getting stuck in lately. If you aren’t sure what that might be, see if you can pick a theme of perfecting, pleasing, performing, or producing that is keeping you from a desired goal. Or you could start with a typical quandary for perfectionists: Do I go for it or do I play it safe?

Tapping helps to neutralize the underlying emotions and beliefs, and quells the fight/ flight/freeze reactivity. Why does this matter? If you are stuck in fear, you can’t even imagine the possibilities for something different, exciting, or wonderful. Fear short-circuits inspiration. And you may have fears that directly contradict each other, such as a fear of failure and a fear of success. For many people, it’s both. As perfectionism researcher Patrick Gaudreau stated, “Perfectionist strivers are motivated to attain success, but they are also daunted by fear of failure.” Now you can take a closer look and begin to untangle a perfectionist dilemma.

Describe the Sabotaging Behavior: Get curious about what’s blocking you in your life now and drill down to the emotional charge, such as anger, confusion, fear, humiliation, rejection, shame, and so on. Then take a journal or notebook and answer the questions below:

1. Where do you notice any feeling or sensation in your body now as you consider your self-sabotage?
2. If you know the sabotage behavior may be linked to a past event, give it a title, for example, “The time my boss yelled at me” or “The time I froze in front of the class.”
3. What is the positive solution you are seeking? How is the sabotage behavior protective (that is, a positive outcome when you avoid failure)? In other words, what is the potential benefit if you don’t change? What feels safe about keeping the status quo?
4. Or consider the opposite: What is the negative solution you are avoiding? If you actually succeeded at your intended goal, what are you afraid of (that is, a negative outcome if you’re great)? In other words, what is the potential cost, consequence, or damage if you actually do well? Dig deep. You clearly want success—and may even have it—but aren’t experiencing success. You may be afraid at some level that you can’t keep it up, that the bar keeps getting higher, or you may be afraid of exposure or rejection. You may worry that others will see you differently or may become upset or jealous. Ironically, being successful may cause an identity crisis.
5. Decide on your target for tapping. Give it a simple title or storyline. A familiar example is I’m afraid of rejection.
6. Create two sets of mini reminder phrases for the tapping sequence you are about to experiment with—one batch that describes your distress (so that you can reduce those sensations) and one set that captures the positive benefits you are seeking to create (so you can amplify them). Mini reminders are little phrases that capture the essence of the block you want to clear, release, or heal, and they help you stay emotionally engaged as you tap. A mini reminder describes your felt experience in the present moment as you acknowledge the situation, such as qualities of your emotions, sensations, a memorable cue, or a belief.

   a. Examples for tapping down the negative charge (decreasing distress) might include heat in my body, tightness in my chest, feeling frozen/exposed, sense of embarrassment/shame/fear/anger/rejection, being called out for my mistake, in trouble again.

   b. Examples for tapping up the positive charge (increasing vitality) might include words like releasing the heat in my body, letting go of my embarrassment, healing my shame, or a brief affirmation like ready to go for it or it’s my time to shine. State your mini reminders as simply as you can as they will serve as anchor points for tapping on the face and body.

7. Measure your current level of distress or discomfort due to your target concern, on a 0 to 10 intensity scale with 0 being “not at all” distressed and 10 being “extremely” distressed. This is called a subjective unit of distress (SUD) rating. You’ll also check in on your SUD rating after you’ve done a round of tapping. This simply allows you to notice if there are any differences after tapping on a target fear or block, which eventually (and ideally) drops down to 1 or 0. Typically, the energy of distress feels contracted—both emotionally intense and physically tense.
8. Now you have the building blocks to create a setup statement to begin a tapping round, which starts with tapping on the side of the nondominant hand. This setup statement is the prelude to the rest of the tapping round where you will use the mini reminder phrases to keep momentum as you neutralize the fears. The setup statement helps you get out of the starting gate. It helps you to develop some distance from the self-sabotaging problem by befriending it in an encouraging manner.

 

Create a Setup Statement

Here is the format of a setup statement:

Even though I am/have/believe/feel

[_________________________],

[your target concern/issue/conflict]
+
I choose to love and accept myself anyway.
[or your acceptance statement of choice]

A setup statement has two parts:

The first part is the “even though” statement to draw attention to the negative aspect of your experience. For example, “Even though I’m afraid of being critiqued,” “Even though a part of me feels I have to be perfect to be loved,” or “Even though my striving for excellence is killing me.”
The second part is your preferred self-acceptance statement you just identified in Reflection #1.

You can stick to one setup statement phrase or have two to three variations on the same target since perfectionism, as we know, is complex. But start simple at first. You will see how these statements flow in the example of Daria’s Dilema below.

 

Tip: Be Clear About What You Want Instead

EFT master teacher Carol Look calls perfectionism a “dream killer.” Therefore, a key component in tapping is also keeping your dream alive. Identify what matters most to you, the impact or positive effect you want in the world and the feeling that arises when you contemplate that effect. You know it when you feel it, but oftentimes you need to list several aspects of your desired goal that excite you, not just one or two. Go for five to ten reasons why this goal is important, meaningful, or inspiring. No overthinking, just let the reasons flow.

SUBJECTIVE UNITS OF VITALITY

 

Similarly, give yourself a rating about what excites you, like a Subjective Unit of Vitality. As you begin to access the expansive energy of excellence, it will tick up to a 10. With tapping, not only do you reduce the negative charge of distress, you can also ignite the uplifting charge of inspiration. Practically, you are tapping down the fear until it’s no longer activated and tapping up the excitement until the inspiration feels aligned with mind, body, heart, and spirit. If your fear-based distress is at an 8 but your joyful vitality is at 2, the tricky brain will prioritize the fear. So you must first practice with tapping down on the negative, which may take several rounds or even days and weeks of daily tapping. Tapping helps you shift the ratio. Fear will lose its grip, freeing up your energetic container to refill with the energy of excellence, which is flexible, fluid, light, spacious, aspirational, and is associated with a host of pleasant states and emotions. To bolster the positive effect in your daily life, it helps to gather allies around you, who can encourage your future self and supercharge your intentions.

 

Daria’s Dilemma

Daria, high in self-oriented perfectionism, is convinced that she needs to work harder and do more. She suffers from the diminishing rate of return analogy offered by Canadian researcher Gaudreau. As Daria lives in a Red Zone of fear, exhausting her internal resources, she’s more anxious, sleep deprived, and risks making mistakes. She notices other new lawyers are better adjusted and have personal lives. She wants that for herself too.

 

Protective Behavior: Being busy is how I know I am needed and worthy (her need for belonging).
Emotion/Sensation: I am exhausted.
Positive Solution: Overcommitting to work projects proves what a dedicated lawyer I am and proves that I’m more than just good enough (her solution to fear of failure and rejection).
Negative Solution: Being miserably productive, even if it means losing sleep and time with friends, keeps me distracted from feeling anything at all (a setup for isolation and burnout).
Target for Tapping: Striving for excellence is killing me.
Aspirational Goal: My dream is to create a life and a law practice that allows me to create my own schedule, travel the world, and do international work. I care about making a positive difference in people’s lives. I know I need to put in my time as a new lawyer but don’t want it to kill me. I want more freedom, fun, and friends. I feel happy imagining my future self.
Intensity Ratings: Distress = 9, Vitality = 3

 

Possible Setup Statements for Daria (when tapping the side of the hand):

• Even though I learned growing up that I had to be perfect to be loved, I’m learning to love and accept myself anyway.
• Even though it’s hard to accept not being perfect—and I know it’s a trap—I’m learning to love and accept myself anyway.
• Even though I’m afraid to let up and to rest—no wonder I’m a workaholic!—I choose to love and accept myself anyway.

 

Mini Reminder Statements (when tapping the points on head and body):

(−) must prove myself | overcommitted | exhausted | distracted
(+) feeling free | ready to release the block | allowing rest | happy

See how personalized the tapping process is? There is both art and science to the technique. As you identify your brand of self-sabotage and create your setup statements, you can begin to tap on your target behavior. Keep in mind that if your fear is stronger than your desire, the fear will win out every time. So tap down the fear until it feels boring, and tap up your aspirational goal until it feels like a no-brainer to make positive changes.

 

Your Turn to Tap Away the Sabotage

You now have the components of the setup statement, which includes the “even though” stem plus the acceptance phrase, and the illustration of the acupoints. In the following scripts you’re invited to try two rounds. Round 1 invites you to tap on the fear or block. You can use the personalized “even though” statements you just created for yourself, or follow the general script to get the hang of it. Round 2 invites you to tap on the aspirational goal, or you can follow along with the provided script. (You can also watch me do a tapping round at www.perfectionists dilemma.com.)

While this may seem weird at first, I invite you to practice tapping over the next month and notice the experience. Keep in mind, tapping is not a “one and done” skill. The wonderful thing about these energy tools is that they are like daily vitamins. Find the practices that suit you and keep them up. You will find that your perfectionism eases and your energies will feel balanced.

 

Sabotage Tapping Round

Target for Tapping: I must be perfect to be loved.

Side of hand: Repeat the following setup statements, focusing on the negative elements.

• Even though a part of me strives to be perfect all the time, I completely and deeply love and accept myself anyway.
• Even though I’m convinced I need to keep improving, I completely and deeply love and accept myself anyway.
• Even though this belief comes from an old algorithm of “not good enough” that I learned growing up, I completely and deeply love and accept myself anyway.

 

Mini Reminder Phrases:

• Eyebrow: This belief that I’m not good enough.
• Side of eye: It’s from my childhood/culture.
• Under eye: It’s exhausting.
• Under nose: It’s simply not true.
• Chin: But a part of me still believes it.
• Collarbone: I’m tired of endless striving.
• Under arm: A part of me is just afraid I’ll get criticized.
• Top of head: I’m ready to release this block.

Take a deep breath. What is the emotional charge? You can move on if your distress rating has decreased at all. If not, repeat the tapping round a few times, making adjustments in your wording as needed.

 

Aspirational Tapping Round

Side of hand: Repeat variations of a setup statement that feel authentic, focusing on the positive change elements.

• Even though I’m dealing with some perfectionism, I feel excited about following my vision—and when I make some mistakes along the way, I choose to love and accept myself anyway.
• Even though I’m scared I’ll fail and that’s what’s been blocking me, I know I can make a real difference and I’m ready to release the fear.
• Even though I’m nervous about making a change, I know that’s a normal feeling, and I accept where I am in my life right now.

 

Mini Reminder Phrases:

• Eyebrow: I appreciate all my efforts and hard work.
• Side of eye: I want a life that is more balanced.
• Under eye: I’m excited to be free of compulsive striving.
• Under nose: I choose to release the burden of not-good-enough.
• Chin: It’s an old pattern I don’t need.
• Collarbone: I’ve accomplished a lot already.
• Under arm: It feels good to be kinder to myself.
• Top of head: I’m ready for change.

Take a deep breath and tune in. Check if your vitality rating has shifted or increased. If not, that’s OK. You may need to tap down the distress more until it feels neutralized. You can tweak the phrasing, fine-tune your reminder phrase, and continue for a few rounds.

 

Your Inner Evolution from Perfectionism to Excellence

Understanding perfectionism is one thing; shifting out of it is another. With tools like tapping, you have a practical way to regulate your nervous system, challenge limiting beliefs, and embrace a more compassionate way of being. As you shift your energy from constant striving to being present and openhearted, you begin to release the energetic lock of perfectionism—stuck emotions, limiting beliefs, and burdened inner parts. It requires both intention and attention. As you learn to harmonize your energy and connect your head with your heart, you’ll discover you are a spark of the universe.

The world needs your bright light.

 

References

Thomas Curran, The Perfectionism Trap: Embracing the Power of Good Enough (London: Scribner, 2023).

Dawson Church, The EFT Manual (Fulton, CA: Energy Psychology Press, 2019).

Donna Eden and David Feinstein, Energy Medicine: Balancing Your Body’s Energies for Optimal Health, Joy and Vitality (New York: Tarcher Perigee, Penguin Random House, 2008), 4.

Patrick Gaudreau et al., “Because Excellencism Is More Than Good Enough: On the Need to Distinguish the Pursuit of Excellence from the Pursuit of Perfection,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 122, no. 6 (2022): 1137.

Patrick Gaudreau, “On the Distinction Between Personal Standards Perfectionism and Excellencism: A Theory Elaboration and Research Agenda,” Perspectives on Psychological Science 14, no. 2 (2019): 197–215, at 197, https://doi .org /10 .1177 /1745691618797940.

David Feinstein and Donna Eden, Tapping: Self-Healing with the Transformative Power of Energy Psychology (Boulder, CO: Sounds True, 2024).

Peta Stapleton, The Science Behind Tapping: A Proven Stress Management Technique for the Mind and Body (Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2021).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Tara Cousineau is a clinical psychologist, author, meditation teacher, and perfectionism coach with 20+ years of experience helping high achievers cultivate self-compassion and authentic leadership. She’s a staff psychologist at Harvard University’s Counseling and Mental Health Services and an expert in mindfulness and mind-body medicine. Her latest book, The Perfectionist’s Dilemma, guides readers in transforming perfectionism into greater ease and joy. You can find more about the book and “Happy Achiever tools” at www.perfectionistsdilemma.com, or visit www.taracousineau.com.

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Nourishing the Soul

Arts and Spiritual Practices for Those Living with Alzheimer’s

© 2025 Lyla Yastion, PhD

Adapted from My Years as an Alzheimer’s Caregiver: transcending loss by nurturing spirit by Lyla Yastion, PhD. Reprinted with permission from Blossom Spring Publishing.

Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue& Be not too tame neither, but let your own discretion be your tutor. Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this special observance, that you oerstep not the modesty of nature…. — Shakespeare, Hamlet

Just as we feed our bodies to keep them healthy, so the soul needs nourishment as well. Those living with Alzheimers disease need an extra dose of soul food daily to keep the demons of anger, depression, anxiety, and morose feelings of defeat and isolation at bay. Caregivers also need this food to strengthen their resolve to serve the persons in their care and keep themselves healthy. As the body of the person with Alzheimers disease breaks down—and the brain is part of the body—the soul must be uplifted.

John Zeisel, sociologist and founder of Hearthstone Alzheimer Care facility, offers those living with Alzheimers disease and their caregivers an innovative, compassionate approach. In his book Im Still Here, Ziesel begins by assuring his reader that Alzheimers disease is treatable, mainly through nonpharmacologic methods. The first thing to remember is that the person with Alzheimers disease is still a person, even as the brain tissue deteriorates. This personhood must be remembered and respected.

When the soul of the person living with Alzheimers disease is nourished, body and mind are also nourished. A level of equanimity becomes possible. This refiguring of the body, mind, and spirit is achieved through the medium of the arts and spiritual practices. According to Ziesel, symptoms can be reduced and/or forestalled, especially in the early to middle stages of Alzheimers disease by discovering and drawing out inner strengths and aptitudes that produce joy, serenity, and a feeling of accomplishment.

The Arts
The Creative Brain

Creative activity is stimulated mainly in the right hemisphere of the brain. Drawing, painting, the dramatic arts, singing, and playing an instrument are creative outlets that engage the bottom-up conduit of perception which is based in sensory awareness. The creative impulse arises spontaneously, energizing the brain in ways that are fresh, nonlinear, and nonlogical.

As the person living with Alzheimers disease loses cognitive faculties, the caregiver can elicit, from the persons history and tendencies, new avenues of creative expression. Such artistic endeavor enlivens the present moment—which is the domain of persons with Alzheimers disease. They feel the joy that accompanies the creative impulse. According to psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, pure enjoyment is a higher emotion than pleasure. Enjoyment, or satisfaction, arises when the mind-heart is fully attentive and absorbed in the creative process. There is then the possibility of a transcendent experience which Csikszentmihalyi calls flow.

The arts also exercise the faculty of attention. The faculty of attention is housed mainly in the prefrontal cortex (PFC). Whatever the mind prefers and dwells on activates the relevant neurons and their networks in the PFC, translating them into action. The mind becomes still and attentive when it is usefully occupied.

The Power of Music

Music is uniquely human. It is hard-wired into our brains along with language. Music is its own universal language, cross-culturally. Shakespeare wrote of the power of music to soothe the soul. In the Merchant of Venice, Lorenzo describes to Jessica how even wild horses are tamed, their savage eyes turnd to a modest gaze / By the sweet power of music.

Music can activate more parts of the brain than any other stimulus. It stimulates visual, emotional, and motor regions of the brain. These areas remain functional until late in the progression of Alzheimers disease. In a 3-year experiment with mainly Alzheimer patients in a nursing home, social worker Dan Cohen introduced a personalized musical repertoire of songs to patients using iPods. These patients had withdrawn into noncommunicative isolation. When they heard their favorite songs, their posture and attitude drastically changed. They remembered who they were. They came alive, their minds and hearts responsive to the music. Their faces glowed, as recognition of the music, and associated memories of happy times which they treasured but had forgotten, awakened in their consciousness.

Dans work became a documentary film called Alive Inside. Henry, an elderly black man, was the first person filmed. His bent head and blank expression turned into a joyful visage, pop-eyed and smiling, as he sang along with the Cab Calloway music he had always loved. He said that the music filled him with a feeling of love. As these men and women expressed their happiness in words and movements, their humanity reappeared. It had been veiled by the disease, the medications, and the cultural belief that dementia erases ones human standing.

In 2020, the most comprehensive study assessing the value of music in treating dementia was conducted at the Betty Irene Moore School of Nursing at UC Davis. Over 4,100 residents in 265 nursing homes in California were given personalized music playlists for listening on iPods. The study revealed a decrease in the need for antipsychotic and anti-anxiety drugs, 13% and 17% respectively. Episodes of depression and aggression also decreased. Researchers concluded that the Music and Memory program awakened and nourished patients, providing a gateway to transcend the sense of confinement, limitation, and loss imposed by Alzheimers and other dementia diseases.

Visual Arts and Expression

Through artistic endeavor—whether acquired during the lifetime or nascent—the right hemisphere of the brain is stimulated. By means of the creative impulse, fostered in a calming environment by the caregiver, agitation is lessened even as the brain becomes more dysfunctional.

Oliver Sacks recalls José, who lived in a clinic for the mentally ill. He was twenty-one, intellectually disabled, and diagnosed as autistic. When Sacks was called in to evaluate José, he discovered that the young man could speak in a different, imaginative way. His mind operated beautifully in non-verbal, visual-spatial tasks like drawing. Sacks encouraged José to use this creative gateway to attain some measure of mental-emotional stability. José eagerly complied. Sacks watched the natural artist in José emerge and create, on paper, birds and trees with botanical accuracy and imagination. In time Josés agitation lessened. Though the damage to his temporal lobes could not be reversed, successive EEGs showed that the energy of his passion for drawing had replaced the violent energy produced by the seizures, which lessened.

David was caregiver to his wife Karen for four years. He described how she had become more withdrawn a year before she died from Alzheimers disease, and he had felt estranged from her for months. Karens ability to outwardly connect with him, and with the world around her, was waning. A graphic artist by profession, he decided to share with Karen an artistic hobby. He made geometric designs on paper and gave them to her to color. This activity delighted her. She would add a face or a banana; shed add words from NPR radio or I love pancakes, he said. It was joyful and whimsical, and we could enjoy this activity together. Shed say, did I do that? Yes, I said, we did it together.

Reverend Diane is an interfaith minister and a hospice chaplain. In her private practice, Reverend Diane favors a soul enlightening approach to healing the mind-body. I dont guide my patients. If Im at all good at what I do, I allow them to show me what they need. Im looking for what gives meaning to them, and I hold it up to the light.

Spiritual Practices
The Benefits of Meditation

The practice of meditation has been increasingly embraced in holistic medicine as an important component in the pursuit of physical, mental-emotional, and spiritual health.

Techniques of meditation—both religious and non-religious—vary. But all techniques have sensory awareness as their foundation. Meditation aims to lower stress by steering the amygdala away from its reactive mode, based in fear and aggression, to compassion for self and others. Meditation ultimately brings the mind to peace. Studies show that brain waves undergo transformation as the mind moves into quiescence. They transform from beta to alpha and theta waves. These waves are associated with inner peace and well-being. Blood pressure is lowered and, as breathing slows down, there is less oxygen consumption.

An important discovery for those living with Alzheimers disease is the evidence through MRIs that meditation stimulates the hippocampus—the area first affected by the disease. Meditation enhances memory and increases the capacity of the mind to learn and remember new things. In a 2009 study of forty-four long-term meditators, increased hippocampal and frontal volume of gray matter was observed. This increase in gray matter was particularly noticeable in the right hippocampus, right orbito-frontal cortex, right thalamus, and left inferior temporal gyrus. This finding revealed the ability of meditators to maintain emotional stability.

A subsequent study in 2013 examined the MRIs of thirty long-term meditators and thirty controls, matched for sex and age. Similar results were observed. The left and right hippocampal volumes were larger in the meditators. Because meditation reduces stress, researchers concluded that increased hippocampal volume may combine a refinement of cognitive skills with better autonomic regulation and immune functioning.

Mindfulness Practice

Perhaps the most influential spiritual gift from the East to the West, in terms of the use of meditation as a healing modality in Western medicine, is mindfulness meditation. One of the principal proponents of the application of mindfulness to medicine is Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor emeritus of medicine at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. In 1979 Kabat-Zinn founded the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Clinic (MBSR) at UMass Medical Center to help patients cope with chronic pain using mindfulness techniques.

Kabat-Zinn uses a body scan to induce mindful relaxation of the body. He also teaches seated meditation, using the breath as a focus for the attention. Being mindful of the incoming and outgoing breath for short periods of time facilitates detachment and inner calm. For the patient, the physical pain may not disappear, but the relaxation of tension in the body, and the temporary arrest of negative thoughts about ones condition, help to decrease stress and make each day more livable, even enjoyable.

Acceptance is a hard lesson to learn for the person living with Alzheimers disease. If the caregiver can introduce a meditative practice that resonates with the person living with Alzheimers, they are helping that person reduce stress and cultivate acceptance. As Kabat-Zinn teaches: one accepts what is and loves it because it is. Without acceptance, toxic stress levels rise in the body, exacerbating the illness. By accepting what is unfolding in the moment, the impulse to react from habit is replaced by creative response.

In their 2017 book Altered Traits, neuroscientist Richard Davidson and psychologist Daniel Goleman present findings from their investigation of what Davidson calls contemplative neuroscience. They found that what begins as a neurologically altered state in the brain, resulting from meditation practice, can become an altered trait. A permanent rewiring of brain circuitry can take place. Because neuroplasticity is a property of the brain, the structure and waves of the brain alter when imprinted repeatedly with meditative exercises. The effect is enhanced physical and psychological health.

Research into mindfulness as an anti-aging tool has blossomed in recent years. Studies exploring the relationship between meditative practice and neuroscience show that mindful meditation can stem cognitive decline that comes with aging and dementia. In 2007, the Shamatha Project found significant benefits including improved attention, less anxiety and depression, increased well-being, and evidence of increased telomerase activity—an enzyme that lengthens telomeres, which may slow down the aging process.

The Healing Power of Sound
Many meditators use sound as a vehicle to keep the mind steady and focused. Sound has the power to heal. Mantras are considered sacred sounds that have the power to guide the meditator towards Self-realization. Hindu Vedanta meditation uses mantras to that end. Centering prayer is a Christian method of meditation that uses a sacred word. Buddhist meditation uses the imperceptible sound of the breath as a meditative anchor.

Sound penetrates the mind and registers in the brain even as the neural connections atrophy in Alzheimers disease. If the caregiver can discover and make available to the person living with Alzheimers disease the spiritual food they love, then that persons soul is nourished.
Healing through sound depends upon the establishment of tonal conjunction or entrainment. This urge to synchronize is the spiritual law of interconnectedness at work in the universe. Entrainment is central to new research in healing with sonic energy patterns. Mitchell Gaynor, whose medical practice was transformed by his interest in sound therapy, says that the traumas and negative emotions that we carry in our bodies conflict with our true self, our essence, which is pure and tuneful. He is convinced that, through sound therapy, it is possible to consciously retune our bodies, hearts, and minds at the cellular level so that the divine musical score of our essence is restored.

In a fascinating study, M.I.T neuroscientist Li-Huei Tsai found that when mice whose brains were manipulated to show Alzheimer symptoms were exposed to a light and sound frequency of 40 hertz, the rhythm of gamma waves in the brain was synchronized. Gamma waves are disrupted in people living with Alzheimers disease. In the mice, this gamma wave oscillation increased the activation of microglia cells which do the sanitation work of clearing toxins and regulating the immune system. Microglia cells were observed to effectively destroy beta-amyloid plaques and tau tangles in the brains of the mice. The mice showed increased ability to learn and remember things. While mice are not people, it is tantalizing to consider how frequencies of sound and light might be used to reverse the progression of Alzheimers disease.

Spiritual Connection

In September 2022, an article appeared in the Alzheimers Association online library entitled Measures of Religion and Spirituality in dementia: an integrative review. The authors found that the need for meaning, particularly in a spiritual or religious way, was a common theme in the terminally ill. The authors also found that spiritual care for people with dementia was minimally present in the institutions where studies were conducted. This lack of spiritual care appeared to correlate with increased anxiety and depression in patients. The authors concluded that fostering a persons spiritual needs was associated with slower cognitive decline.

Spiritual stimulation reinforces preexisting awareness which is the underlying essence of a person. Awareness is the vehicle by which their higher self is accessed. Spiritual care is especially important in a terminal prognosis. It is a matter of common sense that a major task of the caregiver is to aid the person who faces the fact of human mortality by discovering their religious beliefs or spiritual inclinations.

In looking for what gives her patients spiritual comfort and meaning, Reverend Diane first acknowledges the spark of the divine in each of us. Because this spark expresses itself in each person differently, she believes it is her responsibility to bring that expression to light. Diane carries with her a booklet of prayers and songs from various religious traditions. She described a woman with terminal dementia who could no longer speak but wanted to pray the Hail Mary. The woman grunted the rhythm as Diane joined her with the words. Diane said that one way to facilitate a persons connection to the spark within them is through touch. When she touches the hand of the patient, the soul of the patient meets and joins the caregivers soul.

Conclusion

The development of latent talents and aptitudes in the person living with Alzheimers disease delivers several benefits. Feedback from the caregiver, showing encouragement and admiration, is also important. The first benefit is a positive emotional reaction. As neuropsychologist Rick Hanson puts it, the person is taking in the good. The brain rewires, as the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems come into equilibrium. As the creative activity is repeated and reinforced, neural networks in the cortex respond to the concentrated efforts of the blooming artist.

A second benefit is the power of creative endeavor to give meaning and self-esteem to the person living with Alzheimers disease. Even as they experience the loss of cognitive capacities, an alternative way to experience the joy of life is burgeoning. Renowned mythologist Joseph Campbell was fond of saying, follow your bliss. He was advising his students to take up what most touches and awakens their hearts.

There will come a time in the later stages of Alzheimers disease when even the creative impulse is drained of its energy by the pull of sleep which overtakes the waking mind. But until that stage appears, bathing the soul in both the appreciation and practice of musical and artistic endeavors, theatre, and poetry can delight the mind and heart of the person living with Alzheimers disease. Along with meditation and prayer, the arts enable the person to feel joy and personal meaning.
Inclusion of the arts and spiritual practices in the treatment of Alzheimers disease not only nourishes the person living with the disease but also strengthens the relationship between the afflicted person and the caregiver. The bond between them deepens, particularly if the caregiver engages in these activities with the loved one. Alertness and flexibility will enable the caregiver to learn the deft and fluid dance choreographed by Alzheimers disease.

Resources for Caregivers

Music Therapy

• Music & Memory: www.musicandmemory.org
• American Music Therapy Association: www.musictherapy.org
• Art Therapy
• American Art Therapy Association: www.arttherapy.org
• National Center for Creative Aging: www.creativeaging.org
• Meditation and Mindfulness
• Center for Mindfulness in Medicine: www.umassmed.edu/cfm
• Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction programs
• Insight Timer (free meditation app)

Books

• Im Still Here by John Zeisel
• The Healing Power of Sound by Mitchell L. Gaynor
• Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn
• Altered Traits by Richard Davidson and Daniel Goleman

Films

• Alive Inside (documentary on music therapy for dementia)

Organizations

• Alzheimers Association: www.alz.org
• Family Caregiver Alliance: www.caregiver.org

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lyla Yastion obtained a doctorate in Anthropology at the University of Albany and taught courses in anthropology and religious studies at the college level for eighteen years. She has written two books, both published by Hamilton Books. Pause Now: Handbook for a Spiritual Revolution is a guide to spiritual transformation, based on the practice of sensory awareness or presence. Homesick: Finding Our Way Back to a Healthy Planet is an examination of human-induced climate change, its history and possible solutions. A third book, from which this excerpt is taken, is entitled My Years as an Alzheimer’s Caregiver: transcending loss by nurturing spirit. It is published by Blossom Spring Publishing. The book weaves together three elements: a scientific description of Alzheimer’s disease, a spiritual teaching, and a selection of journal entries that trace the six years that Lyla took care of her husband who had Alzheimer’s disease. Special attention is given to creative ways that caregivers can help people living with the disease maintain quality of life. Lyla studied mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn and is certified in mindfulness-based-stress-reduction (MBSR). She is also a reiki master. Lyla lives in Tillson, N.Y. with her cat Henry. You can find out more about her work at www.lylayastion.com.

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Skillful Means: Letting Go of Your Story

Your Skillful Means, sponsored by the Wellspring Institute, is designed to be a comprehensive resource for people interested in personal growth, overcoming inner obstacles, being helpful to others, and expanding consciousness. It includes instructions in everything from common psychological tools for dealing with negative self talk, to physical exercises for opening the body and clearing the mind, to meditation techniques for clarifying inner experience and connecting to deeper aspects of awareness, and much more.

Letting Go of Your Story

PURPOSE/EFFECTS

The stories that we repeatedly tell ourselves about our lives, others, and the world can be very limiting and inaccurate. Identifying and then letting go of our stories can often be quite liberating. It can also open us to new directions and possibilities in our lives.

METHOD

Summary

Examine the stories you currently believe about yourself, others, or the world. Question their validity, and practice letting go of them.

Long Version

• Find a quiet place where you can be undisturbed and have time to reflect.
• Ask yourself, “What stories about myself or the world do I believe that keep me from being happy, trying new things, and doing what I really want?”
• In order to discover your stories, think about how you introduce yourself to people or explain your actions, emotions, and history.
• Once you have identified your story (or one of them), notice how it feels in your body when you believe it.
• Also notice what thoughts arise when you believe this story.
• Now, ask yourself who created this story and if it is accurate.
• Begin to imagine what it would feel like if you didn’t believe this story, and see how it feels to let go of it, for even a moment.
• Observe how this feels in your body and mind.
• Ask yourself what you would do differently if you didn’t believe this story.
• Optional:
  Throughout the day, whenever you are upset, ask yourself, “What story am I believing right now?” Examine whether this story is really true or if it is limiting and negatively affecting you.

HISTORY

Changing or letting go of one’s story is commonly practiced in psychotherapy and some meditative and religious traditions. The method presented here was adapted from a practice created by James Baraz in his book Awakening Joy.

CAUTIONS

Letting go of your story can be difficult, especially if it has existed for many years. Be patient when working to let go of your story and remember to practice great self-compassion throughout this exercise.

Also, it is not necessary to let go of your entire story. Just identifying and questioning the limiting parts of your story that do not help you is beneficial.

NOTES

If you are having difficulty letting go of your story, begin by just considering the possibility of letting it go and see how this feels in your body and mind.

SEE ALSO

Taking Other Viewpoints/Tunnel-Busting
Identifying Core Beliefs